November 20, 2005
Coping With Problem Parents
By Ruben
Navarrette Jr.
SAN DIEGO
-- We may have finally found something to test the limits of caffeine
addiction: parents having to choose between quality time with
the kids and quality java.
In cities
around the country, coffeehouses are putting parents on notice
that they and their children aren't welcome unless the kids behave
themselves, refrain from rowdy behavior and use their ``indoor
voices.''
From Northern
California to North Carolina, the owners of these coffeehouses
are trying to restore peace and quiet. They're doing it for the
sake of their own sanity and that of their customers, many of
whom go to these places to relax while sipping a cappuccino, not
to put up with the tantrums common to day care centers.
But try
telling that to the outraged parents who are having fits over
the new coffeehouse etiquette. Insisting that they too want to
take a stand -- against establishments that are less than kid-friendly
-- parents are threatening boycotts, protests and even lawsuits
to get the rules yanked.
Oh boy.
It's just like the 1960s. Who said all the good causes have already
been championed?
Going on
the defensive, the parents say they resent the insinuation that
they're not controlling their children. Some insist that kids
will be kids, no matter what the parent does, and others see no
reason that they should be deprived of the simple pleasure of
lounging around in a cafe just because they have children.
I think
I see the problem.
Part of
it is that, these days, people demand too much from their coffeehouses.
These places have become gathering spots where people lounge around
for hours, where college students do their homework and young
professionals type on laptops. For these people, a trip to the
coffeehouse isn't just a pit stop, it's an all-day experience.
And the longer they hang around in that environment, the greater
the chances they'll have to put up with a distracted parent and
an out-of-control child.
But a bigger
part of the problem is this: Exactly why is the child out of control?
That brings us back to the parent.
Whenever
this subject comes up, my mind always wanders back to my Mexican
grandfather. As someone who didn't make it past the sixth grade
before going to work, he missed out on a lot of learning. But
when it came to the art of child management, he could give some
lessons.
No one understood
that better than his five sons, of which my father was the youngest.
My grandpa could, in a public setting, control any of the five
-- or, for that matter, all five at once -- con la pura mirada
(with just a look). Behind the look was the understanding that
my grandpa wouldn't hesitate, if necessary, to lay down a heavy
hand.
Today, that
sort of discipline sounds outdated. Some parents will say they
oppose spanking on principle, or they'll cop out and say that
these days you can't lay a hand on your own kid without being
hauled before child protective services. But just as often, I
suspect, the real reason you don't see more parents disciplining
their children -- at least not publicly -- is because many fathers
and mothers are loath to be the heavy. They want to be the pal,
the person who goes out for ice cream.
That's nice.
But what we're left with are parents who have checked out. In
some cases, they let Spanish-speaking nannies raise their kids.
And even when these parents are with their kids, they're not really
with them. They let their kids run wild through supermarkets and
department stores, yell and scream in restaurants, and, even in
some cases, roll around on the ground like the family pet.
And now
parents are complaining that they have to miss out on their field
trip to the neighborhood coffeehouse -- just because they have
kids.
You got
it. Just as people with babies who can't find baby sitters should
get used to missing out on going to the movies. Chalk it up to
the sacrifices of parenthood. Rather than force your child to
adapt to your grown-up environment, why not spend more time in
theirs? Next time, try the park or the zoo.
It boggles
the mind. There are entire libraries full of books on how to deal
with a problem child. But what society really needs is a way to
cope with the problem parent.
CLARIFICATION
-- In a previous column, I reported that conservative thinker
Abigail Thernstrom had said of teachers: ``They're the problem,
not the solution." That's what appeared on a transcript of
our meeting, but actually what Thernstrom was responding to was
a question about teachers unions.
©
2005, The San Diego Union-Tribune
